I'm not looking for a pity party or a person to place the blame. In my last post, I talked about my struggle with weight and the reason I think this unhealthy relationship with food, dieting and body image came about. I mentioned my background and upbringing because it was definitely a major contributor.
After getting so many responses I began to feel nervous and regretful for sharing such intimate details about my mother, father and stepfather. In a strange way I felt guilty for exposing my family secrets. I thought maybe I went to far, will this hurt my mother maybe she didn't want the world to know about her issues. I actually began to panic and thought about deleting my post even blocking part of my family so they couldn't read and tell my mother. After much thought and sleepless nights, conversations with close friends and family I decided that I should stand in my truth!
I mean come on Nicole you are a grown ass- soon to be 40 year old mother of three, Surgical Trauma Nurse who has been to hell and back. You're over here scared of your mommy with whom you have zero relationship with. This happened to me and much much more!
I love my mother and father because they provided the chromosomes to create me, but the truth is what they have done has damaged me! Sure, they both have endured harsh upbringings, but guess what they had the power to break the curse. I have issues, bigger and deeper then even I know. I am a pleaser, for all of my young life I have had to walk on eggshells around people who couldn't care if I lived or died. I don't have a relationship with my mother or stepfather. We have tried to re-kindle or relationship many times, but the truth is we have no relationship. It hurts more to be in the presence of people who have done wrong to you when they don't have a clue or care to get a clue.
This is why I say I'm ok:
I am going to be 40 this year! I'm so excited honestly because I feel that all of my years on this Earth I have endured heartache, abandonment, verbal abuse, neglect, self-hate, mistrust, resentment, anger, hate, and most of all, pain. Deep physical, emotional, and spiritual pain. I am truly grateful for the journey.
I have healed the relationship with my father. It's so strange because it was easier to let him back in. My father was just a man who I didn't know. I never questioned or doubted his love for me, I just never saw him. In part, because he was in the Navy, but mostly because he chose to pick women and drugs over his daughter. As I became older and verbal about my feelings towards him the more he would run.
Finally, after many attempts and long periods of not speaking he humbled himself and listened. I know what I had to say was hurtful to him, I cried the entire time.
You guys know, one of those ugly snot dripping throat jiggling cries.
But, he listened and endured the pain with me, he sat is his shitty diaper and owned it. He finally faced his demons and apologized for everything even hurting my mother. It's amazing how well our minds will convince us that we did nothing wrong and that these terrible things never happened.
As I embark on the big 40, I find myself being more outspoken, less tolerant of people and their mistreatment. I refuse to sit idly while people walk around hurting one another. I am thankful for my journey because it has made me HELLA strong!! I am resilient, sensitive towards people, smart, a little weird and I don't take no shit. My hope is that my story reaches someone who might have experienced something like this. Maybe they have read this and found that, "Wow I am not alone, there are many of us who have experienced some sort of trauma and we can be ok."
Find your outlet, fix yourself.
You can not change people but you can only change yourself. Decide with whom you would like to share yourself with. Be particular with whom you share your energy. Always keep in mind that its about quality not quantity.
We will be OK.